12 ways to become extremely miserable

If you want to become an extremely miserable person, I know exactly what it takes. I know this because I’ve made all of these mistakes at some point or another.

In order to know what works, you must to know what doesn’t work. So here we go, 12 ways to become extremely miserable.

Are you ready?

1. Get as little sunlight as possible.

The basis of life on this planet is the sun. If you want to become miserable as hell, stay indoors as much as you can to avoid this well-being providing phenomena.

Keep your vitamin D levels rock-bottom. This is foundational to being a miserable person.

Are you with me? 🙂

2. Eat as much processed food as you can stomach.

Every miserable person knows it’s supremely important to clog up the body with fuel it was never meant to process.

Overeating, another important component of the misery formula, will be no problem when you focus on eating processed foods. Win/win and critical for ultimate misery!

Make it happen if you want to increase your suffering.

3. Sit as much as you can and keep your posture slouched.

One of the things that makes humans unique is a vertical spine. Make sure to be hunched over as often as possible, preferably while sitting.

Sitting and slouching ensures your bodies hormones will be completely out-of-whack… necessary if you’re interested in becoming totally miserable.

4. Move as little as possible.

It’s important to keep your lymphatic system backed up by never moving.

Stay inside and slouch instead of getting outside and walking.

Never get 10,000 steps a day. That could ruin your chances at being miserable.

Are you with me still?

5. Never lift weights.

Part of being miserable is being physically and mentally weak. Don’t lift, ever.

You see, lifting makes you strong (both physically and mentally) and it teaches you valuable life lessons. You want your body to be catabolic breaking down muscle and you want your mind weak. Both imperative to being as miserable as you can be.

6. Engage in voyeurism.

Watch other people’s lives as many chances you can.

Focus on other people lives, don’t focus on your own. Unconsciously compare yourself to them while you’re at it.

Social media, porn, gossip, reality shows… all great methods to get started with ASAP. But get creative because you’re going to want to log as many hours as possible.

In fact, stop reading this article right now… go check Facebook and browse for 30+ minutes. See what the people are up to!

7. Be obsessed with fitting in.

Every miserable person knows that engaging in an eternal, unachievable quest to ‘fit in’ is a huge part of the formula for misery success.

Trying to fit in ensures you’re always in ‘loser mode’ aka tons of cortisol running through your system. Every miserable person is very aware of the importance of keeping a steady stream of cortisol running through your blood stream.

Yes?

8. Believe whatever you’ve been taught to believe and don’t question it.

It’s important to keep your mind dull and run your life off of assumptions that were handed to you. Like the song says… “don’t stop believin’, hold on to that feelin.”

However your parents were/are is how you should be too. You don’t want to expand much in this life, just stick with what’s familiar.

Are you still with me?

9. Don’t read, listen-to, or watch personal development of any kind.

You know that icky feeling you get when forced to face yourself and possibly change? That leads to growth and happiness. Obviously counter-productive when you’re trying to increase your misery.

Stay away from books, seminars, and inspirational content. It is cancer…

10. Be reactive.

Let every situation you encounter dictate your experience of life.

If someone cuts you off in traffic, get angry. If something gets hard, quit. If someone falls out of line with your expectations, label them.

React to everything that comes your way with automatic responses. Never intercept, or objectively look at your own behavior. EVER.

11. Take as many prescription drugs as you can.

Watch lots of TV and pay close attention to the pharmaceutical commercials. Get yourself a general doctor who is sick and miserable (they’ll be able to relate) and visit them often.

Demand drugs.

It’s science, baby!

12. Do drugs.

In addition to prescription drugs, do other drugs too.

• Over consume caffeine.
• Start up a nicotine habit.
• Drink alcohol often.

Get your hands on as many drugs as possible. You want to tax and deplete your brain chemistry and reward circuitry to ensure ultimate misery over the long term.

Is this making sense?

BONUS! Don’t meditate, do yoga, or learn breathing techniques that are transformative. EVER. They are a sure-fire way to ruin the misery quest.

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So there you go. 12 ways to be as miserable as possible. Now go out there and hate your life. And by “go out there” I mean stay inside.