The "how to check testosterone levels in men at home" guide you've always dreamed of!
Why don’t you just go get it done professionally?
Going to the doctor to check your testosterone levels is only SLIGHTLY more fun than getting your prostate checked.
But it’s a necessary evil, right?
To some extent.
While do-it-yourself boob job kits aren’t available at Walmart yet (sorry), some medical procedures are finally moving out of the sterile white walls of your neighborhood clinic and into your very own dojo.
Like testosterone tests.
Yes, you can really check your testosterone without a lab, without a doctor, without a copay, without all that bullshit.
Just like you can raise your T with natural testosterone boosters without a doctor as well.
In most cases, these results aren’t as accurate as a real clinical visit. However, there are a lot of not-so-obvious signs you can use to get a solid idea of where your T range really lies.
So, I ask you:
Are you ready to monitor your testosterone levels at home?
Good. Here’s how…
Where does testosterone come from? That’s right, your balls.
If your balls are a testosterone factory, it makes sense that producing a lot of testosterone requires a bigger factory floor and more assembly lines, which translates to a pair of ostrich eggs hanging between your legs.
Inversely, if you start pounding tofu milkshakes every morning for breakfast, you can make a timelapse video of your once-proud testicles shrinking into shriveled little raisins.
Obviously this isn’t a super-accurate measure of T levels, but it’s a good general rule of thumb.
Pro tip: You can also measure your shoulder size, shoulders are one of the most androgen receptor dense muscle in the body and as such they get the biggest boost when T levels go up. Big broad impressive shoulders? Your T is probably doing just fine.
Conversely if your starting to notice some man boobs forming…..your T is probably low. But don’t worry you can actually get rid of man boobs without surgery.
The party can’t last forever, and guys should expect their testosterone levels to start winding down once they get into their 30s.
This wasn’t always the case, though. And it STILL isn’t the case in more traditional cultures, where middle-aged men don’t become fat, shapeless, lazy blobs once they hit 30.
Remaining active as you age allows your body to stay in peak condition, which requires testosterone production to stay high.
Collapsing into the couch after work every night well into your 30s, 40s and beyond is a recipe for low testosterone.
Every tent you’ve ever pitched has been brought to you in part by testosterone.
Get a lot of erections? Get ‘em very easily or quickly? Wake up with morning wood every day?
Congratulations, your testosterone is probably spectacular. This is one of the biggest benefits of TRT that propponets cite. If your morning wood is throbbing and you could hang a towel from it. Then your T levels are probably on the higher end of the spectrum.
When your testosterone levels are in a healthy range (healthy for your age, not the “generally accepted” BS baselines), it requires very little effort to muster a raging boner, ready to ride forth and conquer the world.
If you have problems getting erect, testosterone could be to blame. But low testosterone might not be the only issue.
Nitric oxide plays a role in blood vessel dilation, and low nitric oxide could mean sufficient blood isn’t entering your member when your need to enter is greatest.
Besides that, porn is a major culprit in self-inflicted erectile dysfunction. Watching too much porn or beating off too vigorously numbs your brain to dopamine. It’s very similar to drug addicts needing a bigger and bigger hit every time they shoot up. Plus porn induced ejaculations may influence low T.
Not good. All of a sudden you’re craving digital poon over living, breathing human beings, and your doctor is going to convince you to get on Viagra when all you need is to turn off the porn every now and then.
Check your testosterone, but also be aware that your porn-watching habits might also be to blame.
Yes, I’m being serious.
There’s a reason why marketing agencies have failed for over a century to sell parents on deodorant for babies or toddlers.
Simply put, kids don’t stink. Well, they do—but their sweat doesn’t stink. Not nearly as bad as pubescent or adult sweat.
Once you hit puberty, one of God’s many gifts—in addition to spontaneous public boners—is the activation of your apocrine sweat glands.
Normally, sweat tends to be odorless or at least inoffensive. But once your apocrine glands kick in, sweating becomes a hormonal affair.
That’s why your gym bag smells like a dumpster fire.
Guys with high testosterone produce more apocrine sweat (remember, testosterone is a hormone), and therefore stink much more when they do sweat.
On the flipside, if your sweat has no odor you probably have low T. Or you’re 8.
The fatter you are, the less testosterone you can expect to have.
Carrying excess adipose tissue causes your body to crank out a lot of aromatase, an enzyme responsible for working dark magic on your testosterone.
That’s right. Aromatase actually converts testosterone to estrogen, which is even worse than destroying it outright.
Fat guys have lower testosterone, it’s a fact. Fit, muscular guys have higher T. It’s simple.
Want to know one of the dirty secrets of modern medicine?
Half of this stuff isn’t designed to cure you, it’s designed to treat you. The difference is huge, and basically means if you’re taking a drug for X disease, your symptoms from X disease will be minimized but never fully go away.
That also means most of our drugs have pretty gnarly side effects, and testosterone is a frequent victim of collateral damage.
Some of the most common medications that damage your T levels are:
This topic could be a post by itself, but suffice it to say a ton of common prescription drugs were made by people who couldn’t care less about your testosterone.
Living an active, demanding lifestyle stimulates your body to produce more testosterone.
But just exercising sometimes isn’t enough. It also matters how you exercise.
Intense, relatively brief exercise sessions like strength training with heavy weights or running sprint intervals demand high testosterone output from your body.
Endurance sports or light activities like long-distance running or brief jogging sessions actually LOWER your testosterone.
Let me get this out of the way—if you’re consistently running a caloric deficit, or eating a lot of carbs or processed foods, or even eating a vegan or mostly vegetarian diet, then your testosterone is probably tanking.
High T is the product of meat, quality fats and a supporting cast of fresh fruits and vegetables, and other top-notch, unprocessed food.
If you want optimal testosterone levels, eat optimal food.
This is taking “testing your testosterone at home” to the literal extreme, and for some it’s the best alternative to visiting a doctor.
Saliva tests are very simple—spit in a tiny vial, ship it to the company’s main lab, get your results in the mail or online.
Blood is similar, but you’ll need to get over your fear of needles first.
At first glance, these tests might seem like the only logical choice to check your testosterone. But keep in mind that home tests administered by an untrained individual (you) still aren’t as accurate as samples taken and analyzed by professionals.
On top of that, remember that your hormone levels crest and fall throughout the day and even vary on different days. However, if you’ve taken a handful of samples in the morning (when your testosterone is highest), you can generally feel pretty good that you have accurate numbers.
To be clear, most of these methods are a great litmus test for determining whether you have low or high testosterone. However, nothing can compare to real numbers and real data that only a doctor’s lab can give you.
But going to the doctor sucks, and we want to minimize that ordeal as much as possible. That’s why you should use these tricks to get an idea of where you stand before you visit, and use that as a BS test against your doctor’s results.
If you’re overweight, eat a terrible diet, don’t lift weights, and you’re 50 years old…but your doctor says your testosterone is high or normal…you should take that as a sign to get a second opinion.
Not to mention that many professionals don’t agree what the normal or optimal level for testosterone in men even is.
Also keep in mind that a variety of other factors can mask some of low T, while you could still be suffering from a testosterone deficit. That’s why every man should suck it up and visit a doctor every so often, at least for peace of mind.